Lose the belly fat or at least have nice toned abs.

I will be in the verge of collapsing.

Breaking down into tears,shouting,screaming.

And then being called crazy, disrespectful , mentally-ill.

You don't know how it's like to be in college and be surrounded with people smarter than you. Getting better grades than you. Especially now, in this period where all of my friends are applying to the states for the Fall 2012 semester. Applying to Brown, applying to Cornell, Applying to MIT, Virginia...

And I'm not doing that. I can't do that because I can't afford to do that, and my grades can't make it to do that.

My grades aren't bad, but ain't good enough either.

I'm not even a 3.5, though I hope to be by this semester. And It's stressful you know? I'm writing this down in tears.

The stress, the fear of not being accepted to ANY universities I will apply for Spring 2013..

It's not easy for me.

I am terrified, I am extremely terrified.

Everyday I wake up thinking what the fuck am i doing here.

People are going to australia, new zealand.

And I will be here.

You say I constantly claim it's hard to get into a university

OF COURSE IT'S FUCKING HARD. TRY GETTING iNTO A RANKED UNIVERSITY, IT'S BLOODY FUCKING HARD.

If I didn't want to go to a reputable one then it'll be extremely easy.

after all, it's easy for you to say.

you control how much you'll pay for my tuition fees.

you control everything.

after all, you always say that this is a waste of your money.

Drawn by a guy whom I've dated few years back and it brought back memories.

Puppy Love, you'd say.

But life is a constant battle, full of unexpected events and we were all kids back then.

I remembered the day we met in camp; and the day where we had to say goodbye.

I ran as fast as I could to the bus stop and as I saw him leave, I cried.

Thank god for technology, we managed to get each other's phone number. Haha.

We kept in touch, and for the first time in my life, a guy asked for my home address and he wrote me letters.

Admittedly, I was hard to deal with, but he tolerated with me and reminded me how one should always be ladylike through his letters. Haha. I was never allowed to curse infront of him, though he said it was acceptable if it was unavoidable. Which reminds me that I shouldn't be cursing too much now. ;)

We conversed in chinese as his english wasn't good, yet he told me he'd study English everyday to one day tell my father that he'd take care of me forever.

He'd buy me fruits every time we meet, as he claims junk food aren't healthy.

He'd prepare all kinds of stuffs like tissue, plaster and all of that when we meet, because he says that I'm the clumsiest person ever.

Haha.

I'm happy he has met his special someone now, and thankful that he gave me one of the best memories I had as a teenager. :)

I'm thinking of what shall I do tomorrow, should I cook, or should I just take away for sis?

Do I go to gym or do I not?

And do I apply for the university of my choice now?

Or shall I wait...?

Sigh.

I guess I am feeling better now.

Relationships..come and go.

We were once happy.

That what matters.

Let it all be memories.

It's not like I have not tasted the saltiness of the sea.

It's not like I have not tasted the bitterness of medicine.

If the year 2022 still exists, I would have been 29 already.

Hopefully I would already have a stable job, found a good partner, my parents still well and healthy and also my grandparents would still be around.

Ten years from now, my sis would probably be working like me. Would probably have already gotten married.

I actually feel like writing a letter to myself and have the post office deliver it to me 10 years later.

It would mean so much.

It would mean alot to know what I have accomplished in these ten years.

But, back to the present.

I've realized I have indeed spent a lot, or, will be spending a huge sum in continuing my undergraduate studies abroad in the US.

Is it worth it? Is spending so much, worth it?

I can't think of any other things besides this already.